Steven’s
Story
Great-grandfather was
dissatisfied with his religion. And so, in lieu of attending church, he sat his
family down each Sunday and read to them from the Watchtower. With that simple
act he introduced the teachings of Russell and Rutherford to my family. As time
progressed my grandmother came to embrace what she learned during those Sunday
sessions and endeavored to instill the Watchtower doctrines in her children.
However, of her four children who survived childhood, only my father accepted
the teachings of the Watchtower as truth.
My mother's father was
reared in the Catholic religion. When Mom was quite young, some two years old,
Witnesses contacted my grandfather and convinced him to abandon his inherited
faith. I can still hear my mother telling the story. "The brothers called on him
and told him that God is not a Trinity. They said that if he asks his priest to
explain it, he won't be able to--the priest will tell him it's a mystery. Well,
the next Sunday he asked his priest to explain the Trinity. Sure enough . . .
all the priest could say was that it's a mystery. Your Grandpa never set foot in
a church again."
When my parents married and
began their family in the mid '50s, they took seriously the obligation to raise
their children in "the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah." Mom
shouldered the bulk of our early spiritual training--family study, preparation
for meetings, field service. To this day she remains a devout supporter of the
Watchtower organization.
Dad also remains loyal to
the Watchtower organization. However, he was often absent from our family during
my early childhood--his job required frequent travel. His trips away from home
placed an emotional hardship on us, but even so, life was often better when he
was gone than when he was home. It was not until I was older that I realized
much of his emotionally abusive behavior was the result of alcoholism. As with
many alcoholics, he hid his disease from friends, colleges, and the
congregation. When the elder arrangement was implemented, he was one of the
first brothers to be appointed.
Mom asked the elders for
help. "It can't be as bad as you think; you must be exaggerating its
seriousness." "You're imagining things." "You're reading too much into the
situation." This was the help they gave. They could not believe Dad was an
alcoholic. Of course they couldn't. They never woke up to find him in the
driveway, passed out behind the wheel of his car. He made it home safe again,
but couldn't make it to the front door. Sometimes the car was still idling, in
park. Nor did they ever receive a call from the sheriff telling us to pick Dad
up within fifteen minutes or they'd arrest him (back then small-town officers
sometimes made concessions such as this to prevent embarrassment to the
family).
By the time I reached my
teens we had moved to Tampa. Oh the teen years. Filled with changes--physical,
mental, and emotional. Filled with insecurity. Filled with an awakening
realization that I was gay. Like my parents, I have always desired to worship
and please God. As a youth, that meant following the Watchtower's teachings as
closely as possible. I pioneered. I suppressed my homosexuality. I was
eventually appointed a ministerial servant. I suppressed my homosexuality. I was
assigned public talks. I suppressed my homosexuality. Rarely did a day pass that
I did not wake depressed and go to bed the same.
Because I believed so
completely in the Watchtower, I was highly critical of Dad's life. How could he
be an elder and drink so much? If he truly loved Jehovah and the organization,
he'd try to change . . . and he'd resign until he did. Many years would pass
before I realized that this person who took the greatest liberties with the
Society's teachings was the one who benefited me the most. As 1975 approached,
Dad would be damned if he was going to sell the house and pioneer as the Society
encouraged. No, instead he would ensure a comfortable retirement in this old
system. To the consternation of the other elders in our congregation, when I
graduated from high school he recommended that I attend college. Dad was also
the one who surprised me the most when I came out to him. "You're my son and I
love you," was his simple reply.
Time took its toll on me. As
I reached early adulthood my need for male companionship and physical intimacy
was so strong I entered a series of relationships. None of them lasted long. How
could anyone survive the emotional battle I put them through because of my
internal conflict between Watchtower and Gay? I find it highly ironic that I
could have sex with a man, but would then refuse to celebrate his birthday. I
guess all things exist in varying degrees of importance, physical pitted against
spiritual. I knew that sex was wrong, but the desire for a man's touch was so
overpowering I had no will to resist. Jehovah, in his mercy, would surely
forgive me. Celebrating birthdays was wrong also, but it was a wrong I could
easily resist.
The battle became harder to
fight with each passing year. I gradually became disillusioned with the
organization and no longer attended meetings at the Kingdom Hall. After so many
years of supplicating Jehovah to make me straight, why was I still gay? What was
wrong with me? No one was more sincere than I in wanting to do Jehovah's will,
so why did He not care enough about me to 'make a way
out?'
Over the years I met or
heard of brothers who were (or were rumored to be) gay. In our modern,
computer-oriented society, I thought there must be some information by them on
the web. So I began the search that led me to the web site of ACB. I could
scarcely believe the size of the gay Witness and Ex-witness community. I also
found links to exposés of the Watchtower Society. I must have inherited some of
Dad's iconoclastic tendencies because I barely hesitated before ordering "Crisis
of Conscience" by Ray Franz. After all, if Truth need not fear the light, why
should I fear reading Franz's book? Jesus said that babes could understand the
truth. Well, then I could certainly determine whether or not Franz was telling
the truth.
So began my journey of
scrutinizing the Watchtower organization--and my own view of spirituality and
homosexuality. I could write volumes about what I learned. In particular I found
that Franz's excellent "In Search of Christian Freedom" helped me wade through
the tangled mess of Watchtower doctrines and offered me the opportunity to
compare them with the Bible. Peter Gome's "The Good Book" guided me to an
understanding of what the Bible is and what it is not--and how being gay can be
consistent with Christianity.
Lest anyone think I was
influenced to abandon the Society's teachings because of the 'apostate
literature' I read, I feel the need to state a disclaimer. None of the books I
read caused me to leave the Watchtower organization. Like most Witnesses I know,
I questioned some of the Society's doctrines. But, like all good Witnesses, I
had told myself that Jehovah knows best; trust the Society and He will move them
to explain things in His due time. What I read in the 'apostate' books
encouraged me to face the questions, to find answers for them rather than ignore
them.
What compelled me to break
off all association with the Watchtower organization was what I found when I
read the Bible. It occurred to me that during my whole life as a Witness I had
always studied Watchtower literature and read only isolated, context-deprived
scripture citations. Now, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover. It
took six months. There is no particular scripture or doctrine I can point to and
say, "this is why I left." Rather, I found an overall, pervading feeling inside
that told me the organization was wrong. I saw the 'faithful and discreet slave
class' for what it really is--a modern-day Pharisee class with rules and
regulations in exact opposition to what Jesus taught. And so my story approaches
its end. Who am I today? I am an average guy who believes that it is important
to be spiritual, though not necessarily religious. I accept others regardless of
their religious outlook--or lack thereof--without criticism. I am someone who
has, for the first time in my life, a set of close friends whose love comes
unconditionally. I am someone who has finally come to terms with being gay. And I am happy.
Steven
